Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
