he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
