her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
