i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize