Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
