My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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