And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
