Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
