I wish my penis had an off switch
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
