No awkward lesbian experiences without me
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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