She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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