she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
