Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
