u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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