I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
