I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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