how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
