I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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