I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize