the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
