When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
