farters have to be the big spoon...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
is that a dick in a sweater?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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