Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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