Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
