I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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