fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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