I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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