In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
