First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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