Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
