You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
