Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
