seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
