Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
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