I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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