How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize