The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
