good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There r osticjed everywhere
It's official drugs can't kill me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
