There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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