I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
