I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
