What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
