The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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