I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
