The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
