You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
my poor anus
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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