those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
