why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
