Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
