fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
