I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Randomize
