Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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