And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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