I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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