ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
