I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
