Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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